Hi, I'm Spike. I'm against the mauling of toddlers.
Noodling around today on the internet, as is my wont, I came across this question, which struck me as a question that I simultaneously think is straightforward and uncomfortable. To whit, how exactly do men, as men, think about rape?
I mean, on one level the answer is entirely straightforward. Men hate rapists. They're cowardly, vicious criminals who give all of us a bad name. They hurt women whom other men love. It's pretty simple, at least on the surface.
And yet. I can't help but think of the defensive shell the boys, myself included, pulled into in the twelfth grade discussion we had about date rape. Yes, we all seemed to say, rape is awful and rapists are awful but sometimes it's so confusing, you know? When I think even then, when we were as callow as it's possible to be when you're technically an adult, we knew that usually it really isn't that complicated. I mean, how hard is not taking advantage of someone?
The issue, I think, is that decent men feel guilty for their rapist brethren without really knowing what they, as men, can do to help the problem beyond not being rapists themselves. I recall P.J. O'Rourke comparing a group called Men Against Rape to a hypothetical one called Rottweilers Against Mauling Toddlers. As he put it, "you approve of the sentiment, but what do they talk about in their meetings?" Which is not to suggest that men shouldn't be active in trying to shift the responsibility in rape prevention away from its current spot entirely on women's shoulders-they clearly should, and the "No means No" campaign of my salad days at university was a start, though a goofy one. I just don't know what, specifically, I can do about it.
Shakespeare's Sister asks if men talk about rape amongst themselves. My experience, in every setting I can think of, is "absolutely not." On the one hand, it would be weird to talk about any violent crime in the abstract, I think. And on the other, I think everyone would probably rather avoid a discussion of hypotheticals that might end with one guy calling another a rapist.
Finally, she asks if I've ever known anyone who took advantage of a woman and didn't consider it rape. At first, I was inclined to think that I hadn't. And then I remembered that I had, and that I'd lived with the guy.
Now that all of my ex-roommates are worried that I'm going to finger them for a rape they didn't commit, I'll say that it was a long time ago, when I was at a summer school programme studying drama (I was quite an actor in my youth, you know.) I had a wonderful roommate, a guy who didn't mind arguing with me but who was grounded enough not to follow me into my more lunatic flights of fancy. And it was grat for the first week or ten days, as we settled in and he started to date this girl.
Now, in the event in question, all of the parties agree that there was nothing that anyone would call sex. I know that rape isn't sex, but I use it here to be clear. Instead, there was just kissing. Except that she was asleep, and he claimed that he didn't realize.
I don't know if he was telling the truth. He was a genuinely nice guy, I think, and for him to deliberately take advantage of a girl seems wildly out of character, but she definitely took the view that he'd violated her. And maybe all of this is overblown. But I remember how awkward it made me feel, and the wedge it drove into my circle of friends, and I don't really know if he meant to take advantage of her or not.
That wasn't rape, though it was definitely wrong if intentional and a horrible mistake to make if not. And that's about as ambivalent a case as I can construct. Most of the time, the guy is far more clearly in the wrong.
That, I think, is the other reason that men feel uncomfortable about this topic. We're the only ones who commit this particular crime, and it happens more frequently and to more different types of person than I think we'd like to admit. So you wind up in this position, if you do talk about it, where you wind up saying "I'm not like all those other guys." Except who's to know if you're not? You do, presumably, and maybe your wife or girlfriend does as well, but otherwise? You really are the Rottweiler whose owner says is "great with children."
I mean, on one level the answer is entirely straightforward. Men hate rapists. They're cowardly, vicious criminals who give all of us a bad name. They hurt women whom other men love. It's pretty simple, at least on the surface.
And yet. I can't help but think of the defensive shell the boys, myself included, pulled into in the twelfth grade discussion we had about date rape. Yes, we all seemed to say, rape is awful and rapists are awful but sometimes it's so confusing, you know? When I think even then, when we were as callow as it's possible to be when you're technically an adult, we knew that usually it really isn't that complicated. I mean, how hard is not taking advantage of someone?
The issue, I think, is that decent men feel guilty for their rapist brethren without really knowing what they, as men, can do to help the problem beyond not being rapists themselves. I recall P.J. O'Rourke comparing a group called Men Against Rape to a hypothetical one called Rottweilers Against Mauling Toddlers. As he put it, "you approve of the sentiment, but what do they talk about in their meetings?" Which is not to suggest that men shouldn't be active in trying to shift the responsibility in rape prevention away from its current spot entirely on women's shoulders-they clearly should, and the "No means No" campaign of my salad days at university was a start, though a goofy one. I just don't know what, specifically, I can do about it.
Shakespeare's Sister asks if men talk about rape amongst themselves. My experience, in every setting I can think of, is "absolutely not." On the one hand, it would be weird to talk about any violent crime in the abstract, I think. And on the other, I think everyone would probably rather avoid a discussion of hypotheticals that might end with one guy calling another a rapist.
Finally, she asks if I've ever known anyone who took advantage of a woman and didn't consider it rape. At first, I was inclined to think that I hadn't. And then I remembered that I had, and that I'd lived with the guy.
Now that all of my ex-roommates are worried that I'm going to finger them for a rape they didn't commit, I'll say that it was a long time ago, when I was at a summer school programme studying drama (I was quite an actor in my youth, you know.) I had a wonderful roommate, a guy who didn't mind arguing with me but who was grounded enough not to follow me into my more lunatic flights of fancy. And it was grat for the first week or ten days, as we settled in and he started to date this girl.
Now, in the event in question, all of the parties agree that there was nothing that anyone would call sex. I know that rape isn't sex, but I use it here to be clear. Instead, there was just kissing. Except that she was asleep, and he claimed that he didn't realize.
I don't know if he was telling the truth. He was a genuinely nice guy, I think, and for him to deliberately take advantage of a girl seems wildly out of character, but she definitely took the view that he'd violated her. And maybe all of this is overblown. But I remember how awkward it made me feel, and the wedge it drove into my circle of friends, and I don't really know if he meant to take advantage of her or not.
That wasn't rape, though it was definitely wrong if intentional and a horrible mistake to make if not. And that's about as ambivalent a case as I can construct. Most of the time, the guy is far more clearly in the wrong.
That, I think, is the other reason that men feel uncomfortable about this topic. We're the only ones who commit this particular crime, and it happens more frequently and to more different types of person than I think we'd like to admit. So you wind up in this position, if you do talk about it, where you wind up saying "I'm not like all those other guys." Except who's to know if you're not? You do, presumably, and maybe your wife or girlfriend does as well, but otherwise? You really are the Rottweiler whose owner says is "great with children."
posted by Ian Gray | 4:14 p.m.
1 Comments:
Ian,
I just have to say thank you for such a thoughtful post. It made me think about these issues in ways I hadn't considered.
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